Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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