His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
