So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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