dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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