Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
