I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
