Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
