i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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