So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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