Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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