i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
