new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just invented taco cereal.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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