We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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