Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
