It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
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