Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
