Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
