he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
