I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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