i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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