Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
