so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
