how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
