She's JV to your varsity
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
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