Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Two words: blizzard sex
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
