He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
