I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
