im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
