I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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