i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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