she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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