when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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