Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
