Someone shit on the floor
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize