weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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