ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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