I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
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