Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
