this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
