You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
