In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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