Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
