dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
