its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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