I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
