I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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