tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
