a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
