she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
