I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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