You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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