If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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