I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
i drank out of a bidet.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
