so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
