Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize