I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
