We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
