I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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