Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
So. Much. Porn.
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