we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
