Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Randomize
