Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Randomize
