dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
